How Our Hearts Break: A Novel Read online

  Copyright © 2022 by L.K. Reid

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other non-commercial uses permitted by copyright law.

  Any resemblance to places, events, or real people is entirely coincidental.

  Cover Design by Seventh Star Art

  Editing by Maggie Kern at Ms. K Edits

  Formatting by Moonshine Creations

  CONTENTS

  Playlist

  Foreword

  Quote

  1. Sophie

  2. Sophie

  3. Sophie

  4. Noah

  5. Sophie

  6. Sophie

  7. Sophie

  8. Noah

  9. Sophie

  10. Sophie

  11. Noah

  12. Sophie

  13. Sophie

  14. Noah

  15. Noah

  16. Sophie

  17. Sophie

  18. Noah

  19. Sophie

  20. Sophie

  21. Noah

  22. Noah

  23. Noah

  24. Noah

  Epilogue

  The End

  Also By L.K. Reid

  A Note From The Author

  About the Author

  PLAYLIST

  You can find the full playlist on Spotify.

  Cold - Jorge Mendez

  Nova - The Fallen State

  Coming Back - Robin Loxley, Smudge Mason

  Doomsday (Piano Reprise) - Architects

  Everything - Lifehouse

  Leave Out All the Rest - Linkin Park

  Carry You - Novo Amor

  Let Me Be Sad - I Prevail

  Love - Nathan Wagner

  Without You - Ashes Remain

  The Sound - The Plot in You

  Last Dance - Camera Can’t Lie

  Amnesia - Gavin Mikhail

  Break Away (Piano Version) - Artist vs Poet

  One More Light - Jada Facer

  You Said You’d Grow Old With Me - Michael Schulte

  Hold on for Your Life (Acoustic) - Sam Tinnesz

  Poljsko cvijeće - Toše Proeski

  Moth to a Flame - Imminence

  Best Acquaintance - Mouth Culture

  I Was Wrong - Sleeperstar

  A Drop in the Ocean - Ron Pope

  Love Song Requiem - Trading Yesterday

  Someone Else - Loveless, Kellin Quinn

  The Hardest Thing - Toše Proeski

  Iris - Ben Hazlewood

  I’ll Be Fine - Parkwood, Christopher Vernon

  Sun - Loveless

  For survivors.

  For fighters.

  And for those that are no longer with us.

  FOREWORD

  I usually start this part with the list of triggers the book might have, so that you can be prepared. But this one is different.

  How Our Hearts Break is not a dark romance. I think that I can’t even classify it into the “romance” section due to its nature, even though it is heavily based on one relationship. The biggest trigger for this book is that it doesn’t have an HEA. I don’t exactly want to spoil the ending for any of you, but I need you to understand that tragic things happen in this book—things that none of the characters could prevent—and as such, it might not be for all readers.

  I like to be transparent with all my books, and I don’t want you to expect something that won’t happen. This story is my passion project. It’s something that came to me all of a sudden, and I just needed to write it.

  I would also like to ask you not to spoil the book for other readers, so if you’re posting reviews, try to do it without any spoilers.

  Thank you for reading this story that took over my life, and feel free to reach out to me if you need to talk about it.

  “You said memories exist outside of time and have no beginning or end.”

  Euphoria, Season 2 Episode 7

  1

  SOPHIE

  Sadness came in waves.

  It came out of nowhere and tapped you on your shoulder like an old, childhood friend whom you hadn’t seen in years, and just like that, all those memories you’d tried to forget hit you in your chest, knocking the breath out of you. Some days, it was easier dealing with an avalanche of emotions it brought, but on the others, it hurt like an open cut, and you would start bleeding all over again.

  That was the moment where you realize that you never truly healed, but that you were fooling yourself, trying to feel better, even if just for a moment.

  My memories… They lived everywhere around me. Most days I tried to shield my eyes and ignore the whispers and that happy childlike laughter still bouncing off of the walls of my house. But today was not one of those days where I could pretend that I didn’t remember the late nights spent beneath that willow tree behind our houses.

  I couldn’t pretend that his eyes didn’t see everything I tried to hide. I also couldn’t pretend that the boy I grew up with was nothing more than a stranger as he stood on the porch of his house, right next to mine, staring at me as if he had seen a ghost.

  Sharpened claws scratched across the left chamber of my heart where he used to live when I remembered that I couldn’t wave at him. I couldn’t smile like I used to. I couldn’t run down the three stairs and go over to his house, because he wasn’t my Noah anymore. He made sure of it.

  With all the strength I had in my body, I looked away toward the street where a car I knew all too well passed, stopping right in front of his house. I could still feel Noah’s eyes on me, and I gripped the blanket wrapped around my body, holding on to it like a lifeline, because if I didn’t, I knew my body would betray me.

  I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of seeing the pain written all over my face. People often said that breakups were some of the hardest things they went through in their life, but what about breakups between friends? What about all the memories you made together? What about all those late nights when their eyes were the only light holding you upright?

  What about words spoken and unspoken, the promises, the future we dreamed of? What about the small touches, hugs and kisses on your cheeks? How was I supposed to forget it all when he still lived in here, in me, in my chest, in every poem I wrote, in every new thing I did that I wanted to tell him about?

  How could I forget that the boy that started as my friend turned out to be so much more, even though I never told him?

  He was never mine, but losing him felt like thunder cracking through the sky, shattering the peace and quiet. He shattered my heart, and I couldn’t exactly blame him—he never knew.

  I could hear the voices coming from my left side, and I gritted my teeth, pulled the blanket tighter, and got up to go back inside.

  “Sophie!” Goddammit.

  I kept my back to them. Even though it wasn’t Noah that called out my name, it still had the same effect—my heart still cracked because his friends were not my friends anymore.

  It felt as if an hour passed before I braced myself to turn around and face them, but in reality, it took a couple of seconds to take a deep breath and swallow down the sorrow and regrets dancing around in my throat. I knew I looked like shit—that was what I got after sleepless nights and eyes crying out tears I didn’t want—but it was too late to pretend that I didn’t hear Jared calling out to me.

  I straightened up and wrapped the blanket tighter around my shoulders and twirled around with a small smile on my face. “Hey, J.”

  I trained my eyes on the tall, blond-haired guy who carried a smile wherever he went, instead of looking at the person every single nerve in my body was screaming for.

  Jared leaned on the fence, and as he did, my eyes betrayed me and connected with the eyes colored like the bluest skies. He still looked the same, still looked like my Noah, but unlike all the other times, he didn’t smile at me. He didn’t move from the spot, his hands still inside his front pockets.

  His shoulders seemed wider, his entire body taller, but that might have been my imagination because I did everything in my power to avoid him. I refused to go to hockey games. I refused to visit places he frequented because I didn’t want to see his face. I refused to look at his house for the sole fear of seeing even a glimpse of him, because a broken heart could only take so much.

  Noah was the first one to look away this time, ignoring both Jared and me, and I bit down on my tongue when an involuntary whimper threatened to erupt from my chest.

  “I haven’t seen you in forever, dude,” Jared continued, unaware of the awkward feelings lingering in the air. “Where have you been?”

  Everywhere and nowhere, I wanted to tell him. I wanted to tell him what I found out—I wanted to tell them both. But as much as I loved them, as much as I missed them, especially Noah, they weren’t my friends anymore. Losing Noah meant losing all these people I loved. When we stopped talking, when he forgot what we used to have since we were kids, his friends did too.

  “Practice, you know? And school,” I shrugged, keeping my emotions in check. If he really cared about me and where I’d been, he would’ve reached out. That was enough to cement what I already knew—his friends were never my friends, and it fucking sucked.

  “I haven’t seen you around the rink lately.” Jared co
ntinued his mini interrogation. “I remember when you used to almost live there. Hell, you were there more often than any of us, including Noah.” He straightened up and looked at him. “I’m right, aren’t I? I could never go there without seeing her, and then boom, just like that, you were nowhere to be seen.” He looked back at me with those words. “What happened?”

  Something ugly unfurled inside my chest at the words so callously said, as if he didn’t know what happened. As if he didn’t hear how humiliating that night was, when the boy I believed to be my best friend threw me on the side as if I was yesterday’s trash because I was embarrassing him. Because I was too much for him, his friends, and his girls that were flocking to him like chickens around the grains thrown on the ground.

  What happened was that Noah’s words hurt more than anything else I felt before that night. What hurt even more was that he never apologized. It’s been three months since that night at the carnival and he still refused to acknowledge what was said and done.

  That night was the night where I knew that this friendship I was clinging to was a one-way road to destruction. I was the only one trying to make it work.

  But that was also the night when I decided that there were more important things in life, and instead of scooting down to their level, I would be the bigger person. I could feel the familiar throb in the back of my head, and I didn’t want them to see me in the state I became so familiar with.

  “Nothing happened, J.” I smiled while my heart cracked even further, but I looked at Noah instead of Jared as I spoke. “Sometimes the people you hang out with become just a habit, a familiar place, if you wish to call it that. I was never one to keep hanging around people when I wasn’t wanted anymore.”

  “Wha—”

  “I gotta go.” I looked back at him, my heart beating a thousand miles per hour, ignoring the bane of my existence. I promised myself I wouldn’t get angry anymore over the things I couldn’t change, but it was getting harder and harder with each second that passed. His presence alone made me angry, and he was the least of my concerns right now. “I’ll see you around. I hope you guys have an amazing game tomorrow.”

  I turned from them and started walking toward the front door of my house. With one last glance at my ex-best friend and Jared, I entered inside, shaking off the cold and headache slowly spreading through my skull. I knew it was only a matter of time before I wouldn’t be able to move at all.

  The picture of my parents, my brother, Andrew, and me, hanging on the wall before the staircase, caught my attention, and the anger I felt before was nothing compared to the one I started feeling now. We all looked so happy, so content, in this picture taken just before Andrew went off to college. I never really understood the saying before, but time really passes quickly when you don’t appreciate the small things in life, like the happiness of my family.

  Now, this house that used to be filled with happiness, with laughter, love and a bright future, felt like a tomb—lifeless, depressing, dressed in gray colors of despair. I thought about all the dreams I had, the light shining in my eyes even on the picture, and then looked at myself in the mirror on the opposite wall. My once shining eyes were now dull, the bright green color dimmed, marred by everything that had happened. At least my hair was clean, tied up in a low ponytail, the sharp lines of my face more prominent this way.

  I wanted to hide, but I knew it would bring me no good.

  This morning when I woke up, I promised myself I wouldn’t succumb to the same old emotions I’d been trapped with during the last month. But it was getting harder and harder fighting it, being brave, putting a smile on my face when all I wanted to do was scream and scream and scream until my throat went hoarse, and my voice died down in my chest.

  All those things were mere wishes and if I wanted to survive all this, I had to bite down all these emotions clogging my veins and try to pretend that tomorrow, a brighter sun would shine through my windows.

  “Soph.” My brother’s voice pulled me back from the dark and depressing thoughts running free through my mind. “Are you okay?”

  I looked at him, hating myself even more when the dark circles he didn’t usually have were the first thing that greeted me. He looked tired, sad, desperate, and I knew I was the reason. I knew he was here, away from his studies, because he wanted to be here for me, but I didn’t want his life to end just because I couldn’t handle my own shit right now.

  “I’m fine, Andy. I think I’m going to go and lie down for a bit. My head’s been throbbing, and I don’t want it to get worse.”

  “Do you need anything?” I knew what he was asking. I didn’t need to be a mind reader to know. Ever since he came home from college a week or so ago, he’s been all over me, asking questions, begging me to tell him how I felt. How could I tell him when I didn’t know how to describe this turmoil running through me?

  I couldn’t tell him that some days went better than the others, but that the dark cloud I’d been so desperately trying to run away from was getting closer and closer. My therapist said that it was normal, feeling like this, given the situation, but it was tiring going from being extremely happy to extremely sad, then angry, then sad again, then just numb.

  “Nah.” I forced a smile and stepped closer to him, wrapping my arms around his middle, letting the blanket fall off of my shoulders. “I’m all good.” I squeezed as tight as I could when his arms wrapped around my shoulders, keeping me close to him.

  His warmth was all I needed right now, and I hated myself for what all this was doing to him. It wasn’t fair that he had to go through this.

  I squeezed my eyes tighter, forcing the tears that threatened to spill to go back, to just stay still, at least until I moved away from him. I succeeded as I stepped away from him and lifted the blanket from the ground, shaking from the cold seeping through my bones.

  “You need to eat something,” Andrew said as I came closer to the stairs. “I don’t remember you having breakfast.”

  “I had some cereal.”

  “That’s not enough.”

  “Andy.” I sighed. “I’m okay, and I’m not hungry.”

  “It’s almost five in the afternoon, Soph. If you continue like this—” He stopped himself before he could say what was really on his mind.

  If I continued like this, I would bring myself to the brink of death. That was what he wanted to say, but couldn’t because we both knew what truly lay in front of all of us. We both knew that we needed to stay sane and collected if we wanted to survive what life threw at us.

  “I’m sorry,” he rasped. “I didn’t mean it like—”

  “It’s okay, Andy. I know what you meant. I’m going to go to bed now. I promise I’ll eat something once I get up. Sound good?”

  A tiny nod was all I got before he disappeared down the hallway leading toward the living room. I wished I had something better to tell him to console him, to tell him that all these feelings running through him would one day be just a mere memory he wouldn’t want to relive, but I couldn’t because I feared that my own voice would betray me. Instead of me consoling him, he would be the one consoling me.

  I watched him as he disappeared into the room, as the hushed voices filtered through the air—probably my mom—and started walking toward my bedroom, the tiredness already making my limbs heavier and my heart emptier.

  I was supposed to be at practice right now, but I couldn’t bring myself to go anymore. Figure skating used to be the one thing I never could get tired of, and now, no matter how much I loved it, I couldn’t bring myself to drive to that ice rink, to put my skates on and just be.