How Our Hearts Break: A Novel Read online

  Everything had changed, and I knew that nothing would ever be the same.

  2

  SOPHIE

  I hoped, prayed even, that with a good night’s sleep, my head wouldn’t be trying to split open, but even the pills that usually helped were useless today. It was as if the universe was out to get me. After that horrendous Saturday when I saw Noah and Jared, Sunday turned out to be even worse, with me avoiding my entire family since everyone was in a foul mood, and spending it in my bed because my head decided to burst from the inside out.

  At least that was what it felt like.

  So here I was, on a Monday morning, my eyes trained on the clock showing six-thirty in the morning, and I just didn’t want to get up. The two blankets covering me did nothing to warm me up, and I knew that this kind of cold wasn’t coming from the lack of heating—our house always felt like a furnace during the winter. This kind of cold was coming from the inside, and if I could wrap my heart and my soul in a blanket, I would. Maybe then I wouldn’t feel as if the ice was slowly taking over my body.

  I slowly pulled myself up into a seated position and turned off the blaring alarm that kept going and going on my phone. I looked at the window where the soft morning glow was just starting to trickle into the room.

  I’d spent countless nights sitting in that window, talking to Noah. His window was just on the opposite side, and like a fool, I forgot to close my curtains last night. Now I knew that the first thing I’d see when I got up to look out would be him.

  I knew him like the back of my own hand and judging by the time showing on the screen of my phone, he probably just came back from his morning run. I used to go on those with him—he’d be training for the next game and keeping in shape, and I’d be preparing my body for upcoming competitions.

  It wasn’t too long ago when we ran together for the last time, but these days, it felt as if it was years since the last time we shared space together. Since we last talked, laughed, hung out… Funny how these things work. You never know when the last time that the person you loved more than most other people in your life would become a stranger.

  For an entire month after our fallout, I’d been wondering what it was that I did that made him so angry that night. I wondered if it was me or just him, and then I realized that no matter how much I break my head over these things, nothing would change.

  In a few months, he would probably go to some college far away from here, no doubt getting a hockey scholarship, and I would never see him again. I just had to survive these next couple of months and that would be it.

  Slowly, I stood up, pulling all the blankets with me, and walked toward the adjacent bathroom, flipping the light on as I came to the door. I preferred to walk around in the dark for as long as possible. I wasn’t a morning person, and if I could spend at least a couple more minutes pretending I was still asleep, I would. The light from the bathroom illuminated my room, and as I walked in, I dropped the blankets on the floor, staring at myself in the mirror above the sink.

  The dark circles around my eyes seemed better today, but I knew that I wouldn’t be able to stand on my own by the end of the day if the pills I usually took in the morning did nothing but cause more nausea. I wanted to go through at least one day where I didn’t have to worry that this thing I had to live with now wouldn’t cause more pain.

  The last thing I wanted today was to have to call Andrew or my parents to pick me up. I still didn’t say a word to anyone at school and I begged my brother, my mom and dad to keep all this on the down-low. I still wanted to skate, and if I couldn’t do it for much longer, at least I wanted to finish the last two competitions coming up.

  This shit that was happening wouldn’t be the end of me. I could still do things I loved. I could still live my life.

  Taking a shower while freezing wasn’t the nicest experience, but I knew I had to wash my hair and the remnants of the last two days from my skin. It was a new week, and I’d be damned if I started it on a shitty note.

  Some days I went through motions—thanks to muscle memory and the years of doing the same every single day—but I was thankful that today was one of the days where my mind wasn’t trying to disassociate from life. Even with the throbbing pain in my head, I still managed to go through everything in half an hour. Once I dressed up in the warmest clothes I could find, I pushed three notebooks into my backpack and started zipping it up, standing right in front of the window.

  When I first met Noah, it felt as if this weird kind of electricity pulled me to him. Since that first day when we were in kindergarten, while he still lived on the other side of the town, I always knew where to find him.

  And now, as I stood there, holding the backpack to my body as if it could save me from his inquiring eyes, I kept my eyes on the floor, looking at the small scratch on my Doc Martens boots, avoiding looking up.

  But I was always a little masochist when it came to him, and I had to see him. I had to see if this separation hurt him as much as it hurt me.

  I inhaled deeply, as if bracing myself for an impact, and looked up, a thousand emotions crashing into me when I saw him standing there, in front of his own window, shirtless, and looking at me.

  Time stood still and nothing else existed but him and me. My heart violently beat against my ribs, bruising me, reminding me what he did, but nothing could deter me from looking at him. At that dark hair, those blue eyes, and those arms that always felt like home until he decided that he didn’t want me anymore.

  I always knew he looked at me as a sister and nothing more, but never would I have thought that he would so easily throw me away and forget everything we went through together.

  My lower lip trembled as I remembered the first time I held him while he cried. His parents were going through a divorce, and for two nine-year-olds that felt like the end of the world.

  If I remembered all these things, how was it possible that he forgot? How was it possible that all those promises we whispered to each other underneath the dark skies when the stars shone on us meant nothing to him?

  I nodded at him without a smile, without a wave, and turned around, leaving him standing there like he always did. Sometimes I think that how I used to see him was just a figment of my imagination, because that version of him was the one I wanted to see.

  Sometimes when you love somebody, you decide to turn a blind eye to all those bad attributes they had, because the good ones were the only ones you cared about.

  I guess that I never really knew him at all.

  Shaking my head as I exited my room, I went downstairs, only to find Andrew and my mom sitting at the counter, slowly drinking their coffees in silence. Both of them turned and looked at me as I entered the room, their faces betraying their emotions.

  “Morning,” I mumbled as I walked toward my mom, hugging her from behind. She smelled like cinnamon and apples, so soft and always accepting and supportive of everything Andrew and I wanted to do. I still remembered the first time I told her I wanted to do figure skating. Even though she feared for my life, she took me to the rink and it was love at first sight.

  “You guys already ate?” I asked as I went to Andrew, hugging him as well. “What are those faces for?” The two of them were uncharacteristically quiet, staring at me as if I grew another head. “Is there something on me?” I looked down, trying to gauge if the sweater I put on in the room had a hole or a stain somewhere, but there was nothing. “Come on, guys. You’re freaking me out.”

  “You’re just…” our mom started, hiccuping as her eyes filled with tears. “You seem happy today.”

  “Because I am happy. And,” I grinned, “I actually slept well last night.”

  “Headache?” Andrew asked from his spot while I took an apple from the bowl.

  “A little bit,” I answered, lying, and bit into the apple, letting the sweet taste float through my mouth. “But nothing major. I wanted to eat something before taking my pills.”

  Mom slid off of the stool and walked toward the fridge. “I was thinking of making bacon and eggs. Would you like to have that?”

  “Uh, sure.” I didn’t want to tell her that I planned on getting some cereal just to have something in my stomach until lunchtime, but the smile that overtook her face when she looked at me over the door of the fridge made me feel like shit. When was the last time she smiled like that? Two months ago, maybe?

  She busied herself at the stove, cracking eggs and humming softly while the oil heated up in the pan. But Andrew looking at me told me that he knew what I was doing.

  What? I mouthed at him, but he simply smiled and stood up, bringing his and Mom’s cups to the sink.

  “Are you going to the rink today, Soph?” Mom asked, her back turned to me. The sound of sizzling bacon filled the kitchen and as Andy started pulling out three plates, I realized how much I missed this. This normalcy.

  “I might,” I answered and threw the half-eaten apple into the trash. I knew if I ate any more of it, I might not be able to eat what she was preparing. I didn’t want to disappoint her. “I’ll text Coach Liudmila on the way to school to let her know I’m feeling better.”

  “Mhm,” she mumbled, the unspoken words hanging in the air.

  All three of us knew that I might never get better, but we all liked to lie to ourselves. Andrew looked at me while Mom kept flipping over the bacon and then putting it on the plate she placed on the counter next to the stove.

  Tapping my fingers on the countertop table, I waited for one of them to say something. But instead of bringing up the topic I didn’t want to talk about, Andrew started talking about college and his practice, while Mom finished preparing an omelet and bacon, putting the pan on the side and turning off the stove top.

  One plate filled with more bacon than
any of us could eat and one with an omelet was placed on the table. Without preamble, all three of us dug in, putting several pieces of bacon on our plates. Andrew cut the omelet in three pieces, taking the biggest one for himself.

  “Hey.” I laughed. “That’s not fair.”

  “Sorry, Soph. I’m a growing boy and I need my nutrients.”

  “You’re more of a hulk than a boy. What are they feeding you at college? Concentrate for cows?”

  He threw a piece of bacon at me, which landed on top of my plate, earning a hefty laugh from me.

  “Guys,” Mom warned, but neither one of us listened to her. Between eating and laughing, pieces of bacon flew from me to him and the other way around.

  I missed this. I missed laughing with my family. I missed having mornings filled with happiness instead of the dark sadness that filled our lives as of late.

  “Where’s Dad?” I asked, chewing the last piece of bacon from my plate.

  “He has an early meeting, so he had to leave earlier,” Mom answered without looking at me. I didn’t have to be a genius to know that she was lying.

  Dad was, how could I say this, lost? He was here, but he wasn’t here. He avoided looking at me, at Mom, at Andrew, and it wasn’t as if I could really blame him.

  I just missed our mornings together, and the late nights when neither of us could sleep and we would sneak downstairs to eat ice cream from the tub. But, step-by-step as my therapist would say, I was positive that this thing wouldn’t be the end for my family, and that we would come back stronger because of it.

  “So, Sophie.” Andrew grinned, and I knew that some kind of shit would come out of his mouth. “I saw Noah yesterday.”

  Fuck.

  “You guys used to be really clo—Ouch!” he suddenly shrieked. “What the hell, Mom?”

  I snorted and got up with my plate, taking it to the sink and rinsing off the crumbs. Of course, Mom would hit him. She was there that night when I came back from the carnival, crying my eyes out. I couldn’t exactly tell her that everything was okay, when it was obvious that what he did would never be okay.

  “Yeah, we used to be.”

  “What happened? Mom, stop hitting me.”

  “Then stop asking stupid questions,” she replied.

  “It’s okay, Mom.” I put the plate inside the dishwasher and turned to them, leaning against the counter. “We just… I don’t know. We grew apart, I guess.”

  “You guess?” Andy asked, his eyebrow inching up. “You guys were inseparable. Hell, I always thought that he was in love with you, and that one day I would have to beat him up because no matter what, no one is good enough for my baby sister.”

  “Awww, you actually love me.”

  “Only on every third Monday,” he snickered. “No, but really. I used to tell Mom that one day I would have to watch you get married to that little punk.”

  “Andy, he’s not a punk,” Mom scolded him. “He’s actually really nice.”

  “Mom, every guy is a punk if he wants to be with my sister. That’s a given. You already know this. You grew up with three older brothers.”

  “Well, thank God I only have one, because three of you would send me straight to an asylum.” I laughed and pulled my phone out when I felt it vibrating against my leg. “Oh shit.”

  “What’s wrong?”

  “I forgot Bianca was picking me up today.”

  I almost ran toward the other side of the kitchen, where my pills were neatly hidden in the cupboard.

  “Slow down,” Mom chastised. “You’ll break your neck, rushing like that.”

  “Sorry, Mom.” I pulled out the pills that should help with my headache, and popped two into my mouth, reaching for the bottle of water standing on the counter. “I gotta go.”

  “Sophie!” Mom called out, and I stopped at the entrance of the kitchen. I looked at her, again hating what I could see in her eyes. “Think about what we spoke about, okay? It’s almost time to tell them.”

  I knew, dammit. I knew it was time to tell them, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. At least not yet.

  “I know.” I nodded somberly. “But not yet. Give me this month, please?”

  I went back to her, hugged her, and dropped a kiss on her cheek, then Andrew’s, and ran toward the front door, taking my coat as I went.

  Freezing morning air hit me in my face as soon as I stepped outside. I pulled the coat on before rushing down the stairs, all the way to Bianca’s car.

  I could already see her face through the window, and she was anything but amused.

  “I am so fucking sorry,” I started as I opened the door and slid inside. Warmth of the car enveloped me almost immediately, and I thanked the person that invented heating inside cars. “I was having breakfast with my mom and Andrew and I completely missed the time.”

  I looked at her profile, the sharp edges of her face and the pissed-off look. Fuck, I knew how much she hated me being late. “I really am sorry.”

  Her blonde hair was pulled into a high ponytail, accentuating her slender features.

  “I’ll buy you a coffee?” I tried again, but as she pulled the car away from my driveway and started driving toward the school, she still kept quiet, keeping her eyes on the road. “Come on, B.”

  I was ready to cry if that was what it took for her to finally look at me.

  “Bianca?” I placed my hand on her upper arm. “Don’t make me tickle you.”

  It was only then that she turned toward me and started laughing. “God, the look on your face is priceless. I’m fucking with you, dude.”

  “You little—”

  “I literally arrived one minute before you came out, but I wanted to fuck with you.”

  “You are such an asshole.” I laughed. “Here I was, apologizing—”

  “A first for you.”

  “Shut your mouth.”

  “Come on. Remember the last time? You let me grovel for fifteen minutes, making me think that you were angry at me?”

  “No, can’t say that I do.”

  “Liar.”

  “I almost had a motherfucking heart attack, you fucker.”

  “But you still love me.” She looked at me, grinning.

  “Barely.”

  I switched on her radio and opened my Bluetooth to connect my phone to it.

  “What are you doing?”

  “What does it look like I’m doing? Playing some music.”

  “You know I don’t let other people play music in my car?”

  “Good thing I’m not other people then.” In less than ten seconds, I connected my phone to her radio and played the song I knew she would love.

  “No, you’re my sister from another mister. I might forgive you for everything if you play this song every single day for me.”

  “Shivers” by Ed Sheeran blasted through the speakers and both of us started dancing in our seats when she stopped at the red light right before our school.

  “So, coffee?” She looked at me.

  “Is the sky blue?” I asked her, scrolling through my phone, trying to find the next song.

  “Do you really want me to answer that question? Because if you look out, today looks like shit.”

  I did look outside, only to see a familiar black Camaro driving toward the school.

  “It really does look like shit.”

  3

  SOPHIE

  Bianca and I met in the fifth grade at the very end of the summer break, when her family just moved into Whitebrook Hill. It was love at first sight. She’d been threatening an eighth grader, telling him that she would make his nuts disappear if he ever looked at another kid in a bad way.

  I was slowly passing by, waiting for Noah, when she looked at me and exclaimed, “You.” I thought she was going to beat me up or something, but instead, she asked me to help her escort the kid, that was hiding behind her, home. On the way there, I found out that her favorite color was violet, not purple or lavender, but violet, and that she hated bullies.

  I also learned that her parents recently separated, which was why she moved here with her dad.

  We’d been best friends ever since.

  She offered me on multiple occasions to go and beat up Noah for what he did and how he treated me, but I always laughed it off. I knew she would do it or something worse, like scratch his Camaro, and I really didn’t want her to get into that kind of trouble.